Black and White

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind of traveling, paperwork, home studies, paperwork, getting healthy, paperwork, 10hrs of adoption training, paperwork, fundraisers, paperwork, visiting with friends & family, paperwork, building community relationships, paperwork, then BAM, two+ feet of snow to stop us in our tracks. 

Thank goodness. We needed some time to reflect...

There are a lot of things going on in these minds but mine keeps going back to one subject that was brought to our attention during our training a week or so ago; Multiracial Adoption.

Something they said, hit me really hard: "the (white) majority doesn’t think anything is racist; the (Black) minority thinks everything is racist..." 

Really?!

I'm still not completely sure how I feel about this statement, a delicate subject, but a reality to many.  I would be ignorant to not give it some thought and look for some guidance given I'm about to bring a minority into a majority household.

We don't see color when thinking of this baby girl, so you could imagine my shock. Perhaps we do see colors...but they're all lovely red and pink hearts and colorful rainbows! Black and White never entered the equation.  All we see is a little girl who will have needs, wants, and soon enough, hopes & dreams of her own.

 As we continued through the training there were of course more bold statements to ponder and solidify my fear...You may be surprised to find that there was a certain sense of entitlement that you were not even aware of until it is suddenly in question.

Me?! Entitled? Because I am white...?!

This particular choice to adopt brings issues that before have been out there, right inside your home and right inside your relationships. If your child is black, or Hispanic, or Asian, or Middle Eastern, you may find it brings some very uncomfortable issues and drops them squarely in your lap, up close and personal.

Boy howdy, I'm trembling....

Whether you consciously signed on for it or not, you may now find yourself called on to be one of those courageous people breaking down that big wall.

Little ole me? How? My friends and family are all white -- I live in Central Oregon for goodness sakes -- the whitest of the white.  Where will I find mentors? How will I advocate? How will we expose little Haile to children of her own color so she doesn't feel alone? Do I really need to...?? Because I.DON’T.SEE.COLOR!! <stomping my feet>

And 1 Samuel 16:7 says..."The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Isn't that true?  I believe it. My husband believes it.  How could anyone not believe it?!

Will she still feel alone? In a house full of love? How is it possible that she may only see White?! How will I learn the right response when someone looks at our family and little Haile notices a question in their eye or a feeling of nonacceptance?  

It's on my heart & stuck in my head!  Never did we think we would have to deal with discrimination against our precious daughter.  I'm not worried about the many things parents worry about...providing for her, getting up at night, having a loving & supporting husband, working through bonding, trusting & attachment issues after adoption or any of those BIG things! <stomping my feet> I know and feel confident we have the resources & support to work through these things. But the first time someone raises their eyebrow to our family because our little girl is not our same color I’m contemplating how to tame my inner red-head!

I know its all fear and in time it will dissipate.  I'm just scared I won't have the proper reaction.  It's been made clear that no reaction is not an action!  This isn't something you can ignore like your 3 year olds tantrum. You must address it so little Haile knows she is accepted, loved and valued no matter her skin color.  This is her identity.  Silence is agreement.

I try to reflect and have confidence in having dealt with similar issues through step parenting, but all seem minor compared to this. You know... Working with little girls whose families are broken by divorce isn't easy but you can relate, and you try hard to show they are accepted and not abnormal.

It's easy to show examples when you're surrounded by blended families being the divorce rate these days. Sad but true. But we're not dealing with issues of color here.  Families who look at us think Brandon's girls are mine.  It's interesting however...I'm always quick to correct them;  “they are my "step daughters”.  Thinking I’m honoring them and their own mother. Maybe I'm already making a colossal mistake on their identity and making them feel different. Good grief. I need to stop thinking about all of this. It just keeps getting deeper and deeper...

Please pray for wisdom and peace in my heart and mind.  It's messy.

xo - Angela 

Our backyard.  Beautiful. Not messy.

Detours...

I had planned to write about all of the things that kept us busy this past week. As I looked at the list, I felt overwhelmed with all the WORDS, let alone the tasks done and yet to be completed. Throw some fear in there, induced from some training we took and you have quite the hodge-podge of emotions going on. Perhaps letting that simmer for a bit is best...

Instead of waking up today to a swirl of stressful thoughts I was in awe over this last year and those who have entered, shared, and have helped shape our lives in this journey.

After moving to Portland last spring, we met a wonderful couple from selling a rug on Craigslist, of all places.  We quickly began to chat and found we had several things in common.  Truly our pups were the means to begin our friendship!  They had us meeting in a dog park, their plan! And it produced a good hour+ of human conversation!  Nothing better than watching the three of them run around, wear them out and have some good, adult conversation meanwhile.

It just struck me...for some reason I think we still owe this couple coffee!!

Melissa and Jon are a wonderful couple, career oriented and full of life and love! We quickly learned they too had been waiting, even LONGER than B and I to get pregnant. Much MUCH longer. Their perseverance and acceptance of their process and timeline gave us hope and reminded us that perhaps we were wanting this to happen far more quickly than was ever intended. We had some peace in their story and a renewed patience.

Fast forward a few months....

During our Third Thursday gathering at church, Brandon sparked a conversation with our youth pastor...over their tattoos.  His wife quickly came over to me and introduced herself, her 12 month old son, pointed over to her husband, mine, her 2 year old daughter playing with ours, and began talking about my tattoos! Lots of info incoming, with no idea what this couple or the outcome of our new friendship would bring!

Peter and Carin quickly became good friends of ours with swim get togethers, meetings at church, birthday party gatherings, the gamut. Our two girls ADORE their now 3 year old daughter and I certainly can't get enough of that baby boy of theirs with those baby blues!

We shared in how we were working on a family of our own, inquired on where they were at with theirs, if they would have more and the like.  All the while, I had strange fleeting thoughts over this couple of the ..."If ever there comes a point where we need a surrogate, perhaps Carin and Peter would accept the mission??..." variety. Why?! I have no idea. Pregnancy is NOT out for us, just a bit more challenged than we had anticipated.  I quickly pushed these thoughts aside for fear of someone thinking I was crazy, and feeling crazy over them myself!  And how in the world would you ever approach a friend, let alone one you just met, to see if they would accept this mission if indeed you wound up needing it?! No idea. Crazy. Just CRAZY thoughts!

A few months later, we all sat down to have dinner and all the girls ran off to swim and dads were right behind them. Leaving Carin and I open for some good girl time!  Carin didn't hesitate a second to bring up something that was weighing on her heart.  She had to preface it with all sorts of disclaimers, one in particular being "don't think I'm crazy for offering this..." I knew what she was about to say. I just knew.  I went along with her however and confirmed there was nothing she could ever say for me to think she was crazy, always to share what's on her heart, I'll always give an honest answer..and blahblahblah....the good girlfriend stuff.  And by all means, she was my friend and there is a certain level of crazy that comes along with it! 

She went on...explaining how surrogacy had been on her heart for some time and how after she met us  and heard our struggles she wondered herself if this could be something she could offer?  I felt a sense of relief, but also a bit crazy to admit the thoughts I had had a few months prior that I hadn't even shared with my own husband!

We talked and talked and I shared with her how I had those fleeting thoughts this past July after meeting them, but quickly shoved them aside because 1) they were incredibly insane! 2) we're not done trying on our own. Perhaps more time and a little added chub on this frame would be the perfect recipe for pregnancy! and 3) if we were up for it, we could still try IVF, with me carrying the baby. My body seems healthy enough (textbook wise) to handle a pregnancy, it's just getting there that my body struggles with.

So we shared, laughed and cried. Quite the blubbering experience before the boys came back and we gave each other the crazy eye to shush it up before they caught on.  Of course, they wanted to know what was going on.  We filled them in and they already knew, they just "wanted to hear us say it". Turds. All of us vowing it would be a wonderful experience together, but timing wasn't quite right for Brandon and I. We weren't done trying to get there on our own...

Fast forward several more months.

 

Clearly, Brandon and I were detoured and sent down this adoption path. Still looking forward to the day we become pregnant ourselves (have I told you the snide looks I've received this past week when checking out different gyms in the area? Looking for different programs and when asked what my goal is, my reply of "to gain some healthy weight" gets reactions as if I have a third eye?! Clearly they’re used to the opposite).  I know it seems funny, but trust me...when you're trying to get pregnant and battling either end of the spectrum (losing OR gaining), it's not so funny!

Anyway, as Brandon and I were lead down this Journey through Adoption, Carin and Peter were off on their own putting one foot in front of the other trying to make another couples dreams of having a family come true!  I'm amazed at their selflessness and ability to listen, trust and follow.  You can follow their surrogacy journey here if you would like:  http://simplythestork.blogspot.com/

For Melissa and Jon, we were all surprised last week of their announcement that they are now pregnant. With TWINS!!  We had no idea that they took that last step in giving IVF a try and what a miracle it has been! You can follow their journey here if you would like:  http://sternscapades.blogspot.com/

It's truly a blessing to have met and have been given the opportunity to walk along side these two wonderful couples. A triad of experience it seems...adoption, surrogacy & IVF. Their individual experiences could have perhaps been part of ours, but for now, He has sent us all in different directions. 

Truly God's grace to not get caught up in the "what about me's" or "should we have, or could we have?".  We are all working for the same outcome. Just very different paths and timing, yet have been brought together to love and support each other through it. All for the love of Family. 

Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion….

I believe that. And pray daily for all three of our journeys, and look forward to the day all four of these babies bless our presence.  I think they may all arrive right around the same time.

I'm certain that was part of His plan.

 

xoxo

Angela :)

Turbo Cookies!

Have you had one? Or a dozen? I'm certain it's a crime if you haven't.  Simply put, add cookie dough to a glass, pop in the micro-wave for 20-30 seconds, JUST until it starts to bubble up...take out & ENJOY!  You could add a bit of ice cream to the top for some extra gooey goodness! Not that I have any experience in this area  :)

 

I had good intentions of starting this fundraiser 2 weeks ago but instead I was the lucky recipient of bronchitis and an additional virus on top of it! To say the least, I'm finally coming up for air and getting started.

The girls wanted to know how they could help raise money for their baby sister. Generally we come up with some extra chores around the house when they want to earn money for a good cause.  But as of late, they are losing all their earnings quarter by quarter because of failing to turn off their lights!  Ouch. I know it sounds harsh; to hit a child’s budget like that.  But trust me...we were WAYYY more forgiving when we started this practice. A.YEAR.AGO. 

To that end, I thought it might be better for them to raise money outside the Drake house. With their input, and some gentle leading, cookie dough seemed like a good fit! (If you weren't aware...there are many options for fundraisers out there, some appropriate, which I just had no knowledge of, and some not so appropriate at all! Be careful what you search for :)

Although this may have been a better idea a few months from now, when you all weren't being soo strict with your New Year's resolutions!  I figured we all have to splurge once in a while and what better excuse then for a great cause!

You don't even have to order any for yourself if you don't want to. You could solicit friends, family, church groups, co-workers, neighbors (although they caution against this...if they pay cash, what's the big deal?)... You could purchase the ecoupons to give as gifts, prizes or employee bonuses! 

Heck, I've been known to bake for my enemies. I can’t remember if it was to sweeten them up or fatten them up?! But either way, seems completely acceptable to me. So buy one (or two) for yours!

It will look something like this.... print out the 2 attached images for the brochure (if you have trouble, let me know).  Accept orders, collect the money...they can pay you by cash or check. Cash their checks and then send ONE check to me for the total at the end). I will submit one big order for all of the ecoupons then send them to you to distribute.  No huge tubs of cookie dough to store or pass out, just easy peasy gift cards!

Shipping & handling are included in the 16$ per tub fee and the ecoupons will be good for one year from the purchase date.  Once the ecoupon is received, they can place their order online and have the cookie dough shipped directly to their door. No additional fees.

 Here’s a breakdown of how much we could earn on this fundraiser!!

Tubs Bought	Profit per Tub	Total Profit
251+	$6.00	$1500+
101-250	$5.00	$1,250
26-100	$4.00	$400
11-25	$3.50	$87.50
1-10	$3.00	$30

  

I would like to receive any orders you've collected during the week of February 3rd. So any hustling of cookie dough you could do between now and then would be greatly appreciated! If you just want to order some, let me know and we’ll work that out too!

I will plan to place the order by the end of the week of February 3rd, then we will receive the ecoupons 2 weeks from that date.

Much Love & Happy Cookie-Dough-ing - The Drake Girls xoxo